Essay
Seek and ye shall find
by Andy
The [**] sections are inserts from my wife Patty
who has gone through this with me, this is how she saw me reacting. Sometimes others know
you better than you know your self.
First the Whys
I have always known I was adopted.I started
searching when I was in my early 20's when my son, (Jason) was born, so many questions,
medical being the big one, but heredity and others nagged at my mind.
[When Jason was born, he was the first person that ever had similar qualities of
your own personality, being a night owl, talking about feelings nobody else in your family
ever shared with you, even though your adoptive family was very supportive of your
feelings they could not relate completely to how you really felt.]
Sometimes the search was just too hard, or I did not want it enough, it's hard to tell. I
also had a great loving adoptive family so I had very little emotional baggage to push me
to look for a new family.
[One of the biggest things I remember about your search was......Your reasons........Who
am I and what make me feel the way I feel, act the way I act,
or need to change who I am to fit the situation? Is it because I was
raised a certain way or because I am genetically different
than who I was raised to be, and their was always such a
inner conflict concerning those aspects of your life.]
The Search
When the Internet came along the search became
easier, but still the road blocks where many and my search rose and fell in it's priority
level in my life. As I saw others in reunion, I started to understand how important
it was for me to see my own likeness, to know and find the answers.
The most important part during my search was the organization of all of the incoming
information both right and wrong. This enabled me to keep all of the pieces together, and
made it easier to back track. Always keep a book of every piece of information that comes
to you. I finally got hold of the original attorney, (as the agency, Holy Family Services
was useless). There I got some judgement documents that gave me my Bmother's year and
state of birth. Angels from the VSN, (Volunteer Search Network), helped me find a last
name.
Then we searched the birth indexes, then on to the marriage indexes. We went down many
roads during this part of the search. At one point we found a woman who matched the basic
description, age and same maiden name, but she was deceased. We spent a few weeks riding
the roller coaster on that one, only to be turned away. We were devastated to say the
least but in the mean time our searcher kept finding other matches to check out.
Finally one day an E-mail came in from our searcher Delayn Curtis. I still have the e-mail
saved. It read "I think this is the one". It was the copy of the marriage
index, and as we read it everything was matching, all the sibling information was right
on. Now we need a phone number.
My Bmom was married 3 times and we could find no working number for her married name on
the index listing. We did find a number we thought might be her ex-husbands mother, and so
it was (god bless her). I called her and she gave us my Bmother's last known address, but
said that my bmother and she were not on speaking, so that is all she would do.
My wife, (who really was my strongest supporter, and is the best thing that ever happened
to me), called her back that night and gave her the real story, (not the Genealogy lie I
had told her). The ex-mother in-law got behind the search calling her son, (my bmom’s
Ex) and getting a phone number for us. She also called my Bmom to ask if she could give
out the number, and I thought that they weren’t speaking. This would not have been my
best choice for a first contact, but sometimes these things steamroll.
I called her the next day at her work, because I figured you couldn’t go too nuts at
work. We asked each other maybe 2 questions before she said to me, "I know
you’re the one". Her whole office was crying and excited, so much for that
theory. During the time we talked even though emotions were running high, there was a
feeling that just seemed right.
[Again even with a professional searcher you had many frustrating moments. But finally on November 11th you connected with the women that
gave birth to you on May 9, 1960, and at that time she did
the most unselfish act anybody has ever done for you in your life, she gave you up for
adoption to a wonderful family that gave you the life all
relinquishing parents hope for.]
The Reunion
We got together 2 weeks later, I thought she would
never let me go on that first hug. She kept asking during our first reunion why did you
find me, and were do you want to go from here? At the time I think I wanted all the
selfish things you want from a search. To look
into a face that is similar to your own, and to find out the reasons someone put you up for adoption. To find out whom your people are your Klan I suppose. To
maybe find a lost or unknown sibling. But all of a sudden I realized that she had already
given me up once and how afraid she was that
this was just a passing thing for me, and she might lose me again.
I have been so lucky I have a B-mom that not only
looks like me,
** His eye's will never be
special again, **
(my birth mom and half sister have the same eye shape and color.) When she talks to me she
feels like a mom, a friend, a history. We are taking it slow but it's funny how
comfortable she feels to me.
One of the most interesting things I have experienced since the
reunion is how much my half sister and I are alike. This is the part when you really think
about the genetics vs. environment question. We had very different backgrounds but there
are very few things that she E-mail’s me or talks to me about that I don't feel
like,
"God I understand that".
My sister and I E-mail almost every day, and I wish I had the time
to go see them more, but I will try to make more time.
My son Jason was an only child and only grandchild
on both sides of the family, until I married my
wife Patty in 1996. He now has cousins that are from his blood, that look and act like him....... Pretty scary. My life is finally
coming together as a whole as the pieces of my puzzle of life are making more sense to me
than ever before.
Once, after I had asked Patty to marry me, she came
to me and said , "How can I trust you to
love my children, when their own father walked
out on them?", and I said to her,
" I was adopted and my parents who adopted me loved me why would you think I
couldn't love somebody else’s children?"
[And for that Andy I will always truly love you because that is a blessing your adoption has brought to
me!]
Her Life
My mother went out on a date with a friend of a
friend, she was 17, and he was 19. She remembers that he had a red convertible. Things got
out of hand, and she was swept up in the passion of the moment and hopes for a future. She
told him that she was pregnant two different times, his response to her both times was an
emphatic, "It could not have been me". This by the way was his exact response to
me when I contacted the "possible" Bfather. She was from a very strict catholic
family with an abusive alcoholic father, so she went to speak to the priest, her only
resource. His response was one with no choices, "you are a sinner, and must give your
baby up for adoption". So into the Holy Family Services system she went, to work as a
maid for a family until she had the baby.
May 9th, 1960, at St. Mary's of Long Beach I was born, baby boy #--------, I was named
Joseph Benedict Dawson. I was put into the usual foster care "observational"
home, until I was adopted 4 months later. Now Robert Andrew Peabody, I went home with my
wonderful adoptive parents, and my new brother who was 4 years older and also adopted. I
had a life that I can not complain about. I lived in South Africa for two years and
visited Europe and other countries at an early age. I have a college education, and I am a
well-respected person in my business, and community.
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© 2005 Sheila Ganz